Why Do I Feel Bad Saying No? Examining Your Guilt & Self-Worth

Your schedule is tight. You’ve got a to-do list with a thousand items on it. You’re behind on your own work. You’re running late. You haven’t spent any time on yourself. Family matters and logistics add fuel to the fire. On a particularly bad day, you may even experience all of the above simultaneously. Just when you think you’re carrying more than you can handle, a request comes your way. A friend, coworker, manager or someone else asks for a favor. They haven’t got time to take care of a task or tend to a particular matter – they ask you to do it instead. Although you’re at your wits’ end, you begrudgingly say “yes”. The requestor feels relief, while you feel more stressed than before. “But I feel bad saying no! What should I do?“. In this article, we’ll be discussing the reasons we feel guilty saying no and what to do about it.

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A Brief Disclaimer…

This website does not give medical or psychological advice. We write our articles based on our experiences with each topic. Advice given on this site is our opinion only. There is zero shame in seeking out professional counseling if you think it will help you.

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Why Do I Feel Bad Saying No?

As someone who’s felt guilty saying no countless times, I’m right there with you.

There have been times I’ve stayed late at work, taken on additional responsibility, sacrificed my own time and even spent money – just to avoid uttering “no”.

Why is that? I can’t say for certain what causes you to feel guilty, but I can tell you why I’ve felt bad saying no in the past. Here are a few examples.

Craving The Approval Of Others

Are you someone who wants the approval of the people around you?

I know I was. I cared so much about this approval that I was afraid to lose it.

I felt that if I said “no” to a request, the person asking won’t like me anymore. This was particularly true for friends with “status” (in my perspective) or potential romantic partners.

If I didn’t get this approval or feared losing it, I’d feel dread and fear wash over me. If anyone asked me why the heck I’m agreeing to something I shouldn’t be, I’d simply say “I feel bad saying no!“.

If this sounds familiar, there’s a good chance that you feel bad saying no because you fear losing the approval of whoever’s asking.

Lack Of Self-Worth

Do you see others’ needs as more important than your own? Do you, either consciously or subconsciously, feel as though some people in your life are superior to you?

This is due to having low self-esteem and a lack of self-worth.

Seeing other people as more important than ourselves is a huge reason why many of us feel bad saying no.

I can remember agreeing to cover my coworkers’ shifts on short notice multiple times after they told me about an event, party or other cool thing they wanted to do instead.

By all means, covering a shift for a friend is a great thing to do – I’m not against it at all.

What I am against is agreeing to do favors for someone routinely without any regard for your own needs. Why are their needs important and yours are not? Do you have a relationship of mutual respect and help or is it one-sided?

A lack of self worth plays a role in many situation where a person feels bad saying no.

A Sense Of ‘Duty’

Are you someone who prides themselves on being a good friend, family member or partner? Perhaps you want to be the best in your field or workplace, regardless of the cost? Do you have a deeply-instilled work ethic and desire to be dependable?

This ‘sense of duty’ most likely plays a role in why you have trouble saying no.

I know this is true in my own case. I was raised to have the mentality of “keep my head down, be quiet and do what needs to be done“.

Similarly, I was also taught to be the one who “shows up” – work hard, don’t quit and be the best.

This mentality isn’t bad in itself. It can be quite useful in terms of job opportunities, excelling in a particular skill and overall personal development.

This dutiful mentality becomes problematic when we disregard our own needs at the expense of our ‘performance’.

If you feel bad saying no to a boss when they ask you to stay late, despite your personal life (including overall health) not being taken care of – that’s bad!

Our fear of not living up to our own expectations is a big contributor to the guilt we feel when saying no.

I Feel Bad Saying No: How Can I Get Over It?

Now that we’ve outlined a few reasons why many people feel bad saying no, let’s talk about some techniques you can use to get more comfortable saying no when need be.

But first, some advice…

Be patient with yourself! If you’re anything like me, you’ve had trouble saying no for many years. Getting comfortable with saying no will take some time. Each of the tips is designed to be a very small step in the right direction.

That said, here are three tips to try out!

Tip #1: What Would You Tell Your Best Friend To Do?

Visualization is an amazing (and free) tool we can use to help us see situations from a different perspective.

The next time someone asks for a favor and you feel bad saying no, imagine your friend being in your shoes instead.

Consider the following questions about ‘your friend’ before answering:

• Health: Are your friend’s mental, physical and emotional needs being met?
• Responsibilities: Will your friends’ responsibilities be jeopardized if they say yes to this request?
• Schedule: Will this request detrimentally affect your friend’s routine and cause a major inconvenience?
• Mutual Benefits: Is the requestor someone who deserves your friend’s “yes” or are they just looking to benefit themselves? Is it a genuine request or someone abusing your friend’s good nature?

As said, your friend is actually yourself in this example. This visualization helps us be more objective when making a judgement of the situation, but you may have no trouble being objective with yourself – whichever works.

Depending on what the answers are to the question above, you’ll know whether or not you should be saying no.

Tip #2: Say No To Small Things First

Some of us are so used to saying “yes” all the time that we don’t even know what saying “no” feels like.

I’ve been there. I had trouble saying no to the smallest requests. Even when a friend or acquaintance wanted to continue a conversation, I’d feel guilty breaking off the conversation – even if I was busy.

It’s in these insignificant moments that we can ‘earn our stripes’ for saying no. Here are a few instances where you can practice your “no”:

• When you’re offered something you don’t want.
• If someone asks you to give them a dollar or other small item.
• When salespeople try and push you into a purchase.
• If friends or family try and get you to change your mind, choice, etc.

These are just a few examples but the message is clear: if you feel bad saying no, practice by starting small first!

Tip #3: Explain Your Guilt To Yourself

We know that saying “no” isn’t wrong on a logical level. Just look around. People saying no to other people all the time.

For many people, they don’t even think twice about saying no to someone. Others among us aren’t so lucky – we’ve got a built-in guilt response that makes us feel all kinds of bad when saying no.

If we need to feel bad for saying no while so many others feel nothing, we’re at least entitled to an explanation!

Why not explain this to ourselves?

This form of internal conversation can go something like this:

Instinctual Self: I feel bad saying no to Sarah about covering her workload on Friday.

Observer Self: Why?

Instinctual Self: Well, I know she’s had to deal with a lot at work lately. She needs a day off to clear her head.

Observer Self: OK, but I’ve been working the same hours. I also haven’t been taking care of myself lately. I’m behind on my own work. Why should I have to cover her work if I’ve been doing the same?

Instinctual Self: Yes, but Sarah asked me because I’m the only one she can trust. If I don’t do her work, who will?

Observer Self: OK. Can I do her work and my own, plus take care of the needs I have in my own life?

Instinctual Self: It will be tough to do it all – I’ll have to stay late. I’ll also have trouble being on time for dinner with my wife and her family. I still feel bad though!

Observer Self: I feel bad because I care about Sarah. That said, I really can’t cover her work this week. I’ll have to say “no“ even though I feel bad.

Instinctual Self: What if Sarah doesn’t like me anymore? She’s the only person I like at work. I don’t want to lose her as a friend.

Observer Self: I’m being honest when I tell her I can’t take on her work – it’s not like I’m being lazy or selfish. If Sarah is a real friend, she’ll understand.

This is an example of what this internal dialogue actually feels like.

If you demand an explanation from yourself when feeling guilty, you’re effectively guiding yourself to the source of your guilt.

In the example above, forgoing our ‘duty’ and being afraid of losing Sarah’s approval are what actually drive my guilt despite neither being factually correct.

Books To Check Out If You Feel Bad Saying No

If you feel like reading more on this topic, here are a few books to check out:

No More Mr. Nice Guy – Dr. Robert Glover

Never Split The Difference – Chris Voss

The Subtle Art Of Not Giving A F*ck – Mark Manson

Read Next: Are You Afraid To Ask For Help? What This Really Means [9 Simple Tips]

In Summary

If you have trouble saying no to people, you’re definitely not alone. Take it from me – you can absolutely get past it. If I did it, you certainly can! I hope this article has been helpful for you.