Are You Afraid To Ask For Help? What This Really Means [9 Simple Tips]

You’re stuck on something. You can’t figure out what to do next. You may be completely lost – metaphorically or literally. In the face of this increasing frustration and worry, anxiety levels increase. For some of us, this anxiety isn’t actually related to the task at hand at all…it’s about something a lot more sinister. Someone might have to help us! I know the feelings that come with this fear of asking – worry, hesitation, fear, insecurity and a cocktail of several other derivative sensations. Oddly, we may enthusiastically lend a helping hand when someone else is in need; we may even be the first in line to do so. This begs the question – why are we afraid to ask for help? Where does this come from and what does it mean? Let’s discuss.

A Brief Disclaimer…

This website does not give medical or psychological advice. We write our articles based on our experiences with each topic. Advice given on this site is our opinion only. There is zero shame in seeking out professional counseling if you think it will help you.

Afraid To Ask For Help: The Origins

Admitting to ourselves that we’re afraid to ask for help is a big first step. Simply being aware of this is enough to begin healing ourselves.

Before we get into reasons why we feel this fear, I think it’s important to consider where this fear comes from.

Like many internal patterns and responses, I believe the fear of asking for help stems from experiences in our early childhood years.

We all have our own memories and experiences that are unique to us, but here are a few situations you may have faced that could’ve created this fear response:

• Parents, mentors or teachers that reacted negatively when we asked for help.
• Being mocked or ridiculed, either for making a mistake or being wrong in a given situation.
• Receiving help in a disingenuous manner, where the person who helped us only did so to have leverage over us in some way.

Do any of these situations resonate with you? Being able to pinpoint a specific cause of your fear can be helpful in figuring out how to get past it.

If you can’t associate any particular person or circumstance with your fear of asking for help, that’s OK. In the next few sections, we’ll get into why we’re actually afraid to ask for help in present day, which may help you pinpoint the specifics – if there’s even a singular cause at all.

Afraid To Ask For Help: What We Really Fear

When we’re afraid to ask for help, what are we really afraid of?

If you’ve been physically abused after asking for help, the anxiety you feel is a programmed response to a potentially physical threat.

What about those of us who’ve suffered no physical consequences of asking for help but still fear it? The threat and fear alike reside completely in our heads. In situations like these, it’s likely that at least one of the following emotions is associated with this fear:

• Guilt: We think what we’re doing is wrong.
• Shame: We feel like we’re flawed or not worthy.
• Distrust: We feel vulnerable depending on another person.

Side note: Here’s an infographic on the difference between guilt and shame (via NICABM) if you’re interested in learning more.

Barring some physical consequence, many people that are afraid to ask for help are really afraid of the feelings that arise, along with what asking for help implies about themselves.

In the following sections, we’ll talk about some specific techniques you can practice to overcome these feelings.

I Feel Guilty When Asking For Help

If you feel guilty when asking for help, you probably feel as though asking for help is wrong.

I’ve often felt guilty asking for help, too. Here are some examples of thoughts I’ve had in these moments:

“If I just keep going, I’ll eventually figure this out on my own.”

“Other people have their own problems to worry about. I don’t want to bother anyone.”

“No one should have to stop what they’re doing to help me.”

Sound familiar?

What To Do:

If you’re afraid to ask for help due to guilt, give these techniques a try!

Technique #1: Visualize Being Asked. Since you probably need help with a specific thing, visualize how you’d feel if someone asked you for help with that same thing. How would you react? Chances are, you’d gladly help.

Technique #2: Imagine Comforting ‘Yourself’. Continuing the visualization from #1 – the same person who asked for help confesses something…they feel guilty for asking! What would you say to them? Try telling yourself that same thing.

Technique #3: Challenge Your Guilt. When the guilty feeling arises in you about asking for help with something, ask yourself “why?”. What’s the fear? This exercise helps identify exactly why you automatically feel guilt in these situations.

I’m Ashamed To Ask For Help

If you feel ashamed over asking for help, there’s a good chance you think something’s wrong with you – you wouldn’t need to ask for help if there wasn’t, right?

I’ve been there, too. Feelings of weakness, incompetence or inferiority seem to rise up on their own. I can recall thinking thoughts like:

“If I was more like so-and-so, I wouldn’t need help with this.”

“I should have figured this out by now.”

“I don’t deserve help.”

Do you have these thoughts, too?

What To Do:

If you’re afraid to ask for help due to shame, give these techniques a try!

Technique #1: Who ‘Isn’t Good Enough’ For Help? Seriously. Outside of our own fears, who have we actually seen in the real world who isn’t worthy of help? Unless someone is lazy or being manipulative, why wouldn’t they deserve help in a time of need? Seeing how this looks from a third party perspective helps us realize how unfounded our shame is.

Technique #2: Who Do We Think We Are? If you don’t hesitate to help someone when they ask for it, why should we ourselves feel ashamed to ask? Who do we imagine ourselves to be? Why should this concept of a person never ask for help? What’s the perceived difference between ourselves and the person we’d help?This exercise helps point out the specific reasons as to why we feel shame.

Technique #3: It’s OK To Be A Beginner. Feeling ashamed over asking for help isn’t good in any scenario, but it’s particularly illogical when we’re trying something for the first time. If you need help while trying something you’ve never done, at what previous point would you have learned this? You’re learning it now! While we may want to learn fast or get good at something quickly, we must allow ourselves time to be a beginner.

I Don’t Trust Anyone Enough To Help Me

Do you feel vulnerable when asking for help? Do you doubt the motives behind a person who offers their assistance or guidance?

These feelings stem from trust issues. I’ve been there myself many times. Here are a few examples of my thoughts in these moments:

“I won’t ask them for help. I don’t want to owe this person anything.”

“If I let this person help me, they’ll see me as weak or stupid.”

“What if this person tells other people that they needed to help me? What will they think?”

As you can imagine, these thoughts aren’t helpful at all – in fact, they’re destructive!

What To Do:

If you’re afraid to ask for help due to a lack of trust in others, here are a few techniques to try out.

Technique #1: Powerful People Have Help, Too. Think of any busy manager, upper level executive, influencer or world leader – they all have help! Delegating tasks, asking for input and trusting team members is essential at the very top. If the best of the best have plenty of help, why shouldn’t we?

Technique #2: Start Small. If you’re afraid to ask for help due to trust, I recommend starting small. Many of us that don’t like asking for help have always avoided doing so – a request of any size seems daunting. You can start small by asking someone about the weather forecast, passing the salt or to hold something while you tie your shoe. Slowly introducing yourself to asking for help will make it easier going forward.

Technique #3: Be Honest. This goes for both you and others. It’s important to be honest when asking for help. First, we must admit to ourselves that we can’t do “it” (whatever it is) alone. Perhaps we’re beginners that need to learn. Maybe it’s a two-person job. In either case, being honest is key. This also goes for those we ask. There’s nothing wrong with saying “I don’t have much experience with _____. Do you mind showing me?“. If we heard someone else say this, we wouldn’t bat an eye.

Afraid To Ask For Help: In Summary

Being afraid to ask for help is pretty common. It’s also uncomfortable and inconvenient. As you can see, all it really takes to get past this holdup is to see it objectively – almost no one expects out of others what they expect out of themselves. By using the nine simple tips we’ve discussed in this article, you’ll be well on your way to overcoming your fear. I hope this has been helpful!