Always Get Friendzoned? How To Have The Relationships You Desire

Does this sound like your romantic life? You meet someone new and you two hit it off. You’ve been casually dating with no commitments, but this new person checks all your boxes. They’re perfect! You really want to be with them. Perhaps too much. Your behavior becomes different around them. You normally have no problem being yourself, but now you focus on gaining this person’s approval. You try to talk to them whenever you can. If they call or text, you drop what you’re doing to reply. You begin wondering what they’re doing or where they are throughout the day. “Why aren’t they replying to me?”, you wonder. You start to feel dependent, even desperate, on this relationship going the way you want. You treat this person well, support them when they need and you communicate your availability, yet you also hesitate to make too bold of a move – you don’t want to mess this up! The more you try to play it “perfectly”, the less it happens. In a final effort, you make your feelings known – and they don’t feel the same. “Let’s just stay friends”, they say. It’s happened again – you’re in the friend zone. “Why do I always get friendzoned?!”, you scream inside your head. Let’s talk about why this happens and how you can prevent this in the future.

Defining The “Friend Zone”

Most of us know what “being in the friend zone” means, but let’s briefly define this term for proper context.

Being in the “friend zone” means to be seen in a platonic manner by a person who we feel romantically and sexually attracted to. We see them in a romantic way, but they see us in a friends-only way.

As the name implies, this person may even be a great friend of ours. We likely get along well with this person and are compatible on many levels.

Facing rejection from someone we barely know stings no matter what. Getting rejected in this manner makes us doubt our own value as a person. Rejections like these can rock out confidence and self-esteem off balance no matter how innocent and low-cost the rejection may be.

Getting friend zoned is a bit different than a typical rejection, though….

Getting friend zoned is a bit different than a typical rejection, though….

Friendzoned vs. Rejected: What’s The Difference?

A person who gets friendzoned is put in a tough position. They’ve got unrequited romantic feelings to process. While the heartache is still fresh, they also feel pressure to remain friends with the person who they can’t be with, too! What are we supposed to do?

At this juncture, a person who’s been friendzoned has only a few options:

Option #1 – Cut the Cord: Once it’s clear that a romantic relationship is not an option, a person can completely separate from their “friend” – cutting off a relationship of any kind except what’s absolutely necessary i.e. lots of mutual friends involved.

This is the best option, but least pursued. Why? It’s painful. Losing both a desired romantic relationship and a friendship at once is tough! Severing ties completely can also affect our social circle and make things awkward for those with ties to both parties.

Option #2 – Stifle Feelings: After getting friendzoned, a person can try to remain “just friends”- pretending as if there are no romantic feelings involved.

This is a recipe for disaster. Your feelings are not negotiable. It is highly unlikely that you’ll be able to ignore the romantic pining you feel for this person, particularly if they get romantically involved with someone else.

Option #3 – Hold Onto Hope: We may have been rejected now, but don’t lose hope! If we just show this person how great we are, maybe they’ll change their mind at some later time. Let’s just pretend the rejection never happened and try again later.

In my opinion, this “hopeful instinct” is triggered to avoid the pain of rejection. Rather than accept that our feelings are not returned, we rationalize a reason as to why we should keep hoping for their affections.

Does all this sound familiar? Read on!

Related: Why Do I Feel Bad Saying No? Examining Your Guilt & Self-Worth

If You Always Get Friendzoned, Consider These Factors

First of all, I feel you. I’ve been friendzoned in the past and it certainly sucks. After dealing with this enough times, you probably want to abandon romance entirely. Why bother, right?

“I’ll just keep getting friendzoned for the rest of my life!“

This is not true in the slightest, but change must occur before the situation changes.

If you feel like you always get friendzoned though, you’ll first need to come to a conclusion that you may not like – the common denominator is you.

That’s right! Getting friendzoned time and time again signifies that something’s awry in our relationships – and it’s us. I mean this in the best way possible.

People are not wrong to reject us. We all enjoy the freedom of choice and it requires a give and take. To have choice, we must allow others to have a choice – no matter what.

If you’re anything like me, hearing this makes you frustrated. We mean so well and just want what everyone else does – how could we be wrong? Don’t close this article yet though, because the best is yet to come.

To avoid getting friendzoned and have the relationships you want in the future, think about these five tips and techniques. Each of these tips is geared towards a specific reason why you could be getting friendzoned.

P.S. If you feel personally offended about anything said in this article, just know that I’m writing from experience!

Related: Are You Afraid To Ask For Help? What This Really Means [9 Simple Tips]

1. We MUST Be OK With Being Alone

Are you terrified of being alone? Do you worry about being “single forever” if your next relationship doesn’t work out?

This likely manifests in your romantic life.

When we look at relationships this way, we tend to “latch on” to the newest person in our life – even if we don’t feel that way. The people who friendzone you can sense this. How do we feel when someone clings to us? Would we do the same?

This can stem from having a specific attachment style (via Scientific American) that compels us to seek out security in relationships: having this person as a partner = being secure. Not having security in a relationship is quite scary for people with some attachment styles.

The individual person is not necessarily what we want so badly – we want what they can provide to us on a mental and emotional level.

Try this out. This is a very simple technique that only requires you to think about this – what would happen if you never had a mutually-committed romantic relationship?

Does thinking about this question scare you? Go deeper. Why? Are you not enough on your own? Can you not enjoy life without another person? Is having romantic relationships a requirement?

Simply thinking about this repetitively will lessen the fear that “being single” carries. In turn, this fear will cloud your thoughts about relationships less and less. Remember – your fear is often what drives potential partners away in the first place.

2. There Is No Perfect Relationship, Because There’s No Perfect Person

Do you tend to idealize your crushes and the people you like? Do you see those who you’re attracted to as superior to you? Do you tend to only see the good aspects of a person while ignoring the bad?

If you find yourself “pedestalizing” your romantic prospects, that’s what’s pushing them away.

Why? Because you’re so focused on pleasing them and keeping them that you aren’t being “you” anymore.

Seeing our potential partner as perfect is a huge misstep – not only will we behave differently when we think someone is “above us”, but we also won’t see this person as they truly are.

All people are flawed. Nobody is perfect. No relationship will ever be perfect. Any potential relationship you have, no matter how much you love your partner, will have ups and downs. This person will have qualities that you do not like.

Try this out: Visualize what it’d be like to have someone idealize you. They never want to speak out of turn or in any controversial way. This person never prioritizes themselves in any way. Their schedule is always free and they want to do whatever you’re doing.

They never set any boundaries or voice differing opinion. Their sole goal is to praise you as the greatest person they’ve ever met.

While intended as flattering and a sign of love, this level of praise comes off as needy, desperate and puzzling.

Once we see how pedestalizing appears from the other side, it makes it easier to avoid behaving this way ourselves.

Related: Wonder Why You Can’t Look People In The Eye? Consider These Factors

3. Courtship Is A Two-Way Interview, Not A One-Way Audition

If you find yourself tailoring your behavior to suit your potential partners, this one’s for you.

We want our crush’s approval and attraction so badly that we’ll do anything to get it – even if it means completely changing our personality.

They can’t possibly like or accept us if they knew the “real us“, right? If they rejected our real selves, it’d be so painful. Instead, we try our best to morph into someone different.

It’s easy to get caught up in wanting to impress those we desire. Unfortunately, the effort to do so usually ends with the opposite taking place. Even if they find your altered personality attractive, what happens over time? That’s not really you!

This person never has the chance to see the real you, much less find the real you attractive.

What can be done? I recommend focusing on yourself.

Courtship is a two-way street. Look internally for what’s important for you in a partner. What are you principles? What are your needs?

Relationships are a two-way interview, not a one-way audition.

If you feel like you’re auditioning for your crushes, try these techniques.

Be Yourself In Intervals: Breaking this ‘acting’ habit will take some time. Try letting your guard down and acting naturally around your crush for 30-60 seconds at a time, without expectation to go any further. Eventually, being yourself will become second-nature.

Ask Questions: If you’re hesitant to talk about yourself, asking other people questions allows you time to get more comfortable while learning about the other person. Asking questions also displays confidence and interest. It’s a win-win.

4. Are Your Expectations Overt Or Covert?

“If I treat them well and help them enough, they’ll eventually feel the same way I do.”

Sound familiar? While our initial interest in this person is genuine, we then spend much of our time and effort trying to win their affections. We think that we must earn this person’s love, so we do things for them. When we finally “get there”, they’ll repay us with their love.

We do this because we want to, but we also expect our efforts to lead us somewhere. We’re not making our feelings known overtly i.e. directly and clear – we do it covertly.

We expect this person to like us in response to our good deeds. We won’t need to communicate our feelings or take risks – after how well we’ve treated them, they’ll certainly like us.

In turn, we expect this person to agree with our terms. Given that they’re not aware of our true feelings, they think we’re acting so nice just because we want to – not because we’re secretly waiting for them to make the first move.

In acting this way, we often communicate that we aren’t even interested in a romantic relationship. Given that we do so much for this person and never seem to expect anything, they might assume that we don’t feel that way at all – we’re behaving as if we’re content with the friendship.

When this person expresses interest in someone else, we get angry and emotional. “I was so nice to them and did everything I could to get them to like me, yet they still chose someone else!”

I know I’ve felt this in the past.

Looking to break this cycle? Try this out:

Each time you speak with the person you like, make one direct comment that indicates your feelings overtly.

This doesn’t need to be overly romantic, sexual or outside your comfort zone – something simple is fine.

Asking them to get coffee, holding confident eye contact, playfully joking with them or giving a direct compliment are far better than never making any move – even if you get rejected, you didn’t waste time waiting around.

This will feel uncomfortable at first, so focus on small steps. You can do it! As you’ve realized, the alternative is a lot worse than stepping out of your comfort zone a little.

Worst case, you gave it a real shot – there’s plenty more people to meet who will be a better match.

Related: Are You Cancelling Plans Because Of Anxiety? Here Are 7 Ways To Stop

5. Focus On Your Wants, Needs & Desires In LIFE, Not With Another

If you’re of a certain age, you’ve grown up in the world of Disney, fairy tales and romantic comedies. There’s nothing wrong with these things for entertainment, but they don’t represent living in reality.

Among other things, these movies and shows pedestalize the idea of a romantic relationship and the overall importance they play in our lives. Movies like these depict only the absolute best parts of relationships, which are compressed into a tiny window of time.

Cultural expectation towards weddings and related life milestones play into our view of relationships, to0. From early ages, we’re constantly influenced to expect a romantic relationship to complete our life – is life even life without it?

Over enough years of waiting for this expectation to manifest and viewing the world through this lens, we abandon all other things we’d be pursuing. In that time, do we really know ourselves at all? Have we ever lived the way we want to?

Our life is happening right now in the present moment. Our time is limited and goes quick. We need to prioritize discovering what we truly want in our hearts, and then on taking measured steps towards doing them.

Give this a try. Using a Word doc, Excel table or piece of paper, write out a list of all the different subcategories that make up your life, goals and interests.

This can be work, home, family, finances, friends, exercise, travel, relationships – as many categories as you want.

I recommend keeping this list within reach for a couple weeks. As you go about your day, jot down any specific goal, interest or passion you feel within any of these categories. For instance, you may think of “running a marathon” as an exercise goal or walking along the Great Wall of China in the travel category.

When you feel that you’re done, give your list a once-over. You might want to take some things off after a while and refine it several times. Other ideas will continue to come as you practice.

This exercise is designed to help you create your own fantasy. Rather than fantasizing about what we see in movies, we begin to create a realistic, achievable fantasy that’s custom-made to suit ourselves.

Having all of this down in one place will help you see yourself holistically – this includes how relationships can fit into your life and how you want your life to look. You’ll also know what type of partner you’re looking for.

Related: When People Push Your Buttons: What To Think & How To Act [Examples]

Always Getting Friendzoned: In Summary

To wrap this up, people who always get friendzoned have a bit of work to do. I’ve been there myself. Hearing that we need to change is annoying and not comfortable but it’s extremely helpful. Luckily, the sole beneficiary of our efforts will be us! By diving deeper into ourselves, questioning our expectations surrounding relationship, examining our patterns and living authentically as ourselves, the right relationships will come and the wrong ones won’t cause us any suffering. Thanks for reading!