When People Push Your Buttons: What To Think & How To Act [Examples]

We all have someone in our life that just gets under our skin. Whether it be due to personality differences or a deliberate effort, it feel like they know just what to say to make you upset, irritated or defensive. This can be a family member, friend, coworker or aquaintence. As you probably know, the act of provoking this reaction is known as “pushing someone’s buttons”. Dealing with people who push your buttons can feel like a lose-lose situation; if you respond in the way this person expects – you lose. On the flip side, you also feel like you lose when you don’t put this person in their place. It’s quite annoying, isn’t it. When people push your buttons, what can be done? Let’s talk about what you should think the next time this occurs as well as how to respond in the best manner.

What Does “Pushing Someone’s Buttons” Mean?

We’ve defined the overall concept of pushing someone’s buttons above. Below are some examples of what people specifically say or do to garner this reaction.

Some people will push your buttons as a manner of joking. They mean no harm and just think they’re being harmless. That’s another topic. This article assumes that your button-pushers are a bit more sinister.

The following examples involve a person trying to upset you in some manner. In turn, these “button presses” will be aimed at something that you’re not OK with about yourself.

Passive-Agressive Implications

A person implies a criticism or judgement of you in a vague, cryptic manner and in an unassuming tone. You think they’ve insulted you but you can’t really prove it.

Example: You reach a milestone or accomplishment in one of your pursuits (work, school, hobbies, etc) that you’re really excited about. Rather than congratulate you, someone instead says “that’s a big improvement for you. You’ll get there“.

Drawing Attention To Sensitive Topics

You’ve got an insecurity or are embarrassed about something, and people in your “circle” are at least somewhat aware of it. While most people try to avoid bringing attention to it, a button-pusher will deliberately do so to knock you off balance.

Example: Due to economic hardship, you recently had to sell your house. Until you figure out your next move, you’re being frugal by renting a small apartment and driving a cheap car. The button-pusher in your life can’t help but to ask how settling into your new place is going or asking about your future plans, especially in front of others.

Putting You Down Indirectly

This can happen a few ways – both of which we’ll elaborate on below. Firstly, an indirect put-down can involve an insult toward something that can be tied to you, such as your personality, body, job, etc. An indirect put-down can also involve a person praising someone/something else that is contrastingly opposite of you. Here are some examples.

Example #1: You and your family live in an older house. While you don’t mind it, the button-pusher in your life loudly states that they “could NEVER live in anything other than a modern home” within earshot of you.

Example #2: You’re not as tall as average but have many other great qualities. Most people focus on your positive attributes, but the button-pusher gushes over how “tall people are SO attractive” in your vicinity.

While some of these comments may be innocent slips, your gut usually knows the difference.

Keeping Score Against You

In our final example, a button-pusher frequently keeps “score” of what you do, don’t do, etc. They’re quick to point out a mistake you’ve made or to measure themselves against you (in their favor, of course). This can be particularly unsettling, as you never know when they’re going to “attack” next.

Example: Your office sends out an email about last month’s sales figures. You realize that the button-pusher outperformed you last month. Later on, they come by asking you about your numbers last month to talk about it. Even though they “won” this time, they go on to say that they could’ve done better and likely will this month.

Why Do Some People Push Others People’s Buttons?

Great question! I won’t pretend to know exactly why the button-pushers in your life act the way they do. Instead, I’ll give my opinion based on my experience with my own. When people push you buttons, there’s a good chance it’s for one of the following reasons:

Bullying. The button-pusher enjoys and/or feels entitled to treat you poorly due to how they see the world – which includes you! According to StopBullying.gov, a person who’s experienced trauma in their own life is more likely to become a bully. There’s a good chance they’ve been bullied by someone themselves.

Insecurity. These types of people are very unhappy with themselves in one or more capacities – perhaps in general. They make themselves feel better by trying to put you down or exposing a weakness of yours.

Competitive. These button-pushers want to “win” everything they can, all the way down to momentary social interactions. When they see you as their competition, they’ll do what they can to win or make you lose.

There’s one common theme that runs through all of these conditions: button-pushers want to get a bad reaction out of you! This is their main goal.

A secondary goal is to make you look bad in front of others. Many of the situations above rely on other people as “players” in this game of button pushing. Therefore, their reactions are also of interest.

With all that covered, let’s get into some strategies you can use when people push your buttons!

When People Push Your Buttons, Here’s What To Do

First of all, it’s important to note that people typically push buttons in one of three settings:

• In One-On-One Interactions
• By Addressing You Directly In Front Of Others
• By Addressing You Indirectly (Via Suggestion) In Front Of Others

Some techniques we’ll discuss below will work better in some situations than others, so it’s a good idea to keep a few strategies in mind during your interactions.

That said, there are some rules that apply to any given situation where people are pushing your buttons. Here are the must-know rules:

• NEVER react negatively – stern and direct is fine, but not negative.
• Giving no reaction at all is a fail-safe fallback strategy.
• Focus on why this person tries to push your buttons. What are their motives? What is their life like? I recommend analyzing them in an objective enough manner that you feel like a third party viewer in the situation – this is difficult at first but stick with it!
• Lastly, “winning” isn’t all its’ cracked up to be. Attacking them or metaphorically beating them will make you look just as bad as the button-pusher in many cases.

Let’s talk strategies.

React Only From A Neutral Or Positive Mindset

When people push your buttons, their main goal is to get a negative reaction from you.

If nothing else, take away this point: a neutral or positive reaction in the face of someone’s button-pushing shifts all the power to you.

It is absolutely essential to stay in a neutral or positive mindset. You will almost certainly “lose” the moment you begin reacting negatively.

Revisiting our ‘Sensitive Topic’ Example: If you’ve faced financial hardship and a button-pusher won’t leave you alone about it, here are some ways to respond.

Neutral: Keep your answers short and robotic. If they ask how you’re settling into your apartment, say “pretty good” and change the topic.

Positive: Respond with optimism about the future. When asked what your plans are, say “I’m still working on it, but it will all work out for the better soon enough”.

No one can take your power from you – you always give it away.

Take Your Time Responding

Con artists, sales people and button-pushers have at least one thing in common – they want to get you reacting emotionally, not logically.

One of the easiest ways to get someone into an emotional state is to take away their time to think. This can be done by invoking a knee-jerk reaction, creating a sense of urgency or causing you to defend yourself.

I highly recommend that you take a moment and pause before ever reacting to a button-push attempt.

This time will bring you clarity, give yourself a chance to gauge your response (if any) and most importantly – prevent you from misstepping and making yourself look bad.

Revisiting our ‘Passive-Aggressive’ Example: If someone gives you a backhanded compliment, simply play along as if you didn’t notice with a “thanks”. You can then figure out your next move while giving them no satisfaction.

When people push your buttons, they’re relying on you responding emotionally. Without this, their methods can’t succeed.

Own Your Insecurities & Shortcomings

When people push your buttons, they’re expecting you to be hurt, offended or angry in response to their actions. This cannot happen if what they say doesn’t bother you.

Imagine this. When people push your buttons – it’s literal. A button on your arm is pressed. The button is wired directly into your insecurity. When the button is pressed, your insecurity receives a small shock.

Healing your internal wound is the same thing as disconnecting the button’s wiring. The button no longer functions.

Revisiting our ‘Indirect Putdown’ Example (#2): If a person dotes on about their attraction to tall people in your presence, despite everyone being aware that you’re shorter than average, you can try one of the following responses. Again, responding positively here is more important than the exact wording you use.

These responses range from innocent to wry:

Our top pick: *zero reaction whatsoever*.

“Hopefully you’ll find a tall partner!”

“Some tall people are attractive – it depends.”

“I’m more compact, it’s a design feature.”

“Do you guys think I’m too tall? I’m concerned about it.”

“Do you happen to find tall people attractive by chance?”

By reacting in a positive manner, you let others know that you’re confident in yourself. Your height is not something that upsets you or affects your overall worth.

While not our primary goal, it’s possible that the button-pusher will double-down on their efforts and make a more direct attack on your insecurity. Doing so gives you fair-and-square reason to put them in their place, while they look bad in front of anyone involved.

When you proudly own your insecurities, they aren’t even insecurities anymore. You’re secure in yourself as you are. How can someone offend you over something you’re not offended by?

Pull Them Further Into Discussion

When people push your buttons, they’re hoping for a quick, one-step reaction out of you. They’re not looking for a debate or lengthy discussion.

Their ability to succeed in this manner relies entirely on you. In order for their button-pushing to work, you must respond as expected. What if you don’t?

Rather than try to defend yourself, make the other person defend their position. Why do they think that? What is it based on?

Given that they’re completely unprepared to have an actual discussion, the button-pusher will probably trip over their own words, thwarting their attempt to disrupt you. If not, they’ll likely say things that are easy for you (and others) to debunk.

Revisiting our ‘Old House’ Example: Although everyone knows you live in an older home, the button-pusher still let’s everyone know that they “could NEVER live in anything other than a modern house”.

I recommend asking questions. Your interaction may go something like this:

You: “Why? What don’t you like about older houses?”

Them: “They’re not nice!”

You: “There are many kinds of older houses. Which aren’t nice?”

Them: “I don’t like how old houses look, that’s what I’m trying to say.”

You: “Whatever works for you! I love old houses and the character they have.”

The button-pusher may drop the conversation here or get more personal. If they continue to up the ante, check out the final technique below!

Here’s one thing I want to convey that may not come through in text: all of these questions are asked honestly.

You aren’t arguing with them or trying to one-up them. You’re actually asking.

By voicing your contrary opinion, you also communicate security and confidence.

Call Them Out In An Honest Manner

If the person pushing your buttons does so on a regular basis, it may be time to point direct attention at it.

By calling out this person’s actions, you do a few things:

• Call Their Bluff: They may not expect you to actually be so direct about it.
• Convey Courage: Done correctly, a call-out seems confident and courageous.
• Discourage Future Attempts: Once you’ve called attention to their game-playing, the button-pusher may realize that messing with you isn’t worth it. They’ll hopefully improve their behavior.

To clarify, a call-out doesn’t need to be aggressive, angry or emotional at all. If anything, I’d recommend choosing either humorous or neutral tonality. We’ll go through some examples below.

The goal isn’t to put the other person down, it’s to keep yourself from being brought down.

Revisiting our ‘Score-Keeping Coworker’ Example: When people push your buttons at work, it’s particularly important to remain emotionless and tactful when you respond. That said, suppose a coworker is quick to point out a mistake you’ve made or try to one-up you.

Here are a few ways you can call attention to it while remaining calm and professional in the workplace.

Humorous Methods:

“It’s always about score with you, isn’t it?!”

“I bet this made your day!”

“Yes, I did indeed make a mistake. What do you usually do at this point? Help me!”

Direct Methods:

“We are teammates – we should be support each other. Why do you want to make work awkward for everyone?”

“You’re quick to point out mistakes others make. What do you feel like you’re gaining from doing so? We don’t harp on yours.”

“You really need to stop being so competitive with everyone. It makes you look insecure and untrustworthy.”

Read Next:

• Why Do I Feel Bad Saying No? Examining Your Guilt & Self-Worth
• Wonder Why You Can’t Look People In The Eye? Consider These Factors

A Longterm Strategy

When people push your buttons, it’s essential to respond in a way that doesn’t hurt you. The techniques above do work and are good to know, but the most effective longterm strategy here is to improve your self-esteem over time. This is done by getting to know yourself better, facing your insecurities and improving all aspects of your mind – not just your ability to defend yourself. I hope this has been helpful and be sure to check out other articles for more info!