Wonder Why You Can’t Look People In The Eye? Consider These Factors

Maintaining steady eye contact is a challenge for many people. As the old saying goes, the eyes are the windows to the soul. Letting someone look into your eyes is a fairly personal thing for anyone, albeit common – even amongst strangers. For some of us, eye contact does not come naturally. Some of us don’t like maintaining eye contact for more than a moment, while others almost never make eye contact with anyone. There are certain syndromes that are associated with an avoidance of eye contact, such as Autism (via AutismSpeaks.com), but eye contact can also be challenging for people who don’t have an underlying condition. If you can’t look people in the eye right now, it might feel impossible to ever get over this. As someone who struggled with this for years, I promise you – you can. Let’s talk about how.

Is Eye Contact Necessary?

I personally believe that the ability to maintain at least some eye contact with others is essential.

Making consistent eye contact is typically associated with the following attributes, all of which of important to have in a healthy, balanced life:

• Confidence
• Authenticity
• Trust
• Comfort
• Leadership
• Attention

Is it necessary to win staring contests? No. Truthfully, you may never be fully comfortable with lots of eye contact, but it is important to maintain a healthy amount in your daily interactions.

I Can’t Look People In The Eye…Why?

In order to provide context, here’s a bit of my own experience with eye contact difficulties. I have the luxury of hindsight on my side, so I hope this feedback saves you time and stress.

As a teenager with low self-esteem, I rarely made eye contact with others. Even during conversation, I would either look down or off into the distance. Friends at school would ask about it and I just shrugged it off.

While I had friends and a social life, I had plenty of my own issues going on – my discomfort with eye contact was the result of these difficulties, not the cause.

For example, my lack of self-esteem made me feel inferior to other people. I would rarely assert myself or stand confident amongst other people I knew. I didn’t feel “worthy” of others and thought making eye contact was out of place.

Additionally, making eye contact made me feel vulnerable. Eye contact can feel like a bonding experience with another person, however insignificant it really is. I felt like people could see my insecurities and see me in that light, too. Given the chance, they could potentially hurt these “wounds”.

Being shy and having low self-worth, I did my best to avoid confrontation. Like most people, the vast majority of these “confrontations” I feared so much weren’t physical – any potential challenge, insult, criticism or even excess attention were enough to trigger a fear response in me. By avoiding eye contact, I felt that I was less in danger.

Does any of this sound familiar? I’m sure there are more reasons why some can’t look people in the eye, but these examples provide some context and probably resonate on some level.

Let’s talk solutions.

Related: Are You Afraid To Ask For Help? What This Really Means [9 Simple Tips]

If You Can’t Look People In The Eye, Try These Tips

One of the cornerstone principles at Inside Our Mind is to take small, measurable steps when trying to improve ourselves.

First and foremost…you are absolutely worthy of making eye contact. We don’t need to ‘earn the right’ or reach a certain status to be worthy of eye contact. You are just as entitled to look others in the eye as anyone else.

It’s not necessary to overcompensate and make lots of eye contact right away – I personally recommend letting consistent eye contact happen on its’ own time. Instead, here are a few simple, easy techniques to try out!

1. Practice Eye Contact In The Mirror

Some of us are so self-conscious that we can’t even look at ourselves in the mirror.

If this resonates, you’re in good company. Even Floyd Patterson, the former heavyweight champion of the world, didn’t like looking at a picture of himself.

Try this out. While counting, try making eye contact with yourself in the mirror. Alternatively, you can take a picture of yourself looking directly into the camera.

It may feel uncomfortable at first, but you don’t need to do this for very long.

I recommend trying 10-second intervals. After doing this a few times, you’re done for the day.

Once you’ve done this exercise for several days in a row, you may find eye contact coming a lot more natural, or at least not seem so uncomfortable.

2. Practice Eye Contact Using Video

Modern day technology has made teaching ourselves new skills so much easier.

If you can’t look people in the eye without feeling uncomfortable, YouTube is a great place to start.

Here’s a whole list of videos for practicing eye contact to try out! These allow you to practice on your own schedule, at your own pace.

Related: Why Do I Feel Bad Saying No? Examining Your Guilt & Self-Worth

3. Start With People You’re Comfortable With

After trying out the two techniques above, you’ll soon be ready to practice making more eye contact with people in your life.

Making consistent eye contact with a boss, authority figure or someone who’s intimidating will take a lot of practice to master. Thankfully, those that fit these descriptions are typically in the minority of people we know, quantity-wise.

You can start making eye contact with people in your life that you’re comfortable with. Parents, relatives, neighbors and friends are excellent people to practice eye contact with.

4. While Looking People In The Eye, Count To Three

Now that you’ve been practicing eye contact – both on your own and with people you trust – it’s time to up the ante a little.

Who in your daily life do you have trouble making eye contact with? If you have a couple specific people in mind, great!

The next time you interact with them, I recommend making three solid seconds of eye contact during conversation. If this is your first “attempt”, you can call it a day after that.

The more you practice, the easier it will get. The most important part of practicing eye contact is to be consistent – both in terms of frequency of eye contact as well as increasing the duration a little bit at a time.

In Summary

If you think you can’t look people in the eye, you’re mistaken! Making consistent eye contact is like doing anything else that makes you uncomfortable – every time you practice, it gets easier. Using the four tips above, you’ll find yourself regularly making eye contact a lot sooner than you might think! Thanks for reading, hope this has been helpful.